July 29, 2021
If you had a room with an infinite number of monkeys and put them together with an infinite number of typewriters, eventually they would produce the entire works of Shakespeare. This is an irrefutable truth, though some, when imagining this scenario, recoil at the notion of an infinite amount of monkeys in proximity to an infinite number of antique machines. How would they stay focused? How could you keep them from breeding nonstop? How could you feed them? How would they have the patience to work through Act 2 of Henry V?
But even more, how could they do it without a single error? The wise person will understand that when faced with an infinite amount of possibilities, brought forth by an infinite number of resources (monkeys, typewriters) an infinite amount of outcomes must happen; therefore, the entire works of Shakespeare must be written in the exact amount of time it takes to type the entire works of Shakespeare and not a second more.
Of course, what the wisest person will also observe is that given enough time with those infinite typewriters, those same infinite monkeys will proceed to type out the entire works of Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner and Danielle Steele as well as exactly 12 different versions of the sequel to Moby Dick. These infinite monkeys on their infinite typewriters will also produce an international bestselling series about a boy who doesn’t realize he is a werewolf, who gets invited to a prestigious werewolf school, which appears on first glance like yet another Harry Potter ripoff but contains more emotional depth, lore and world-building than JK Rowling could ever fit in the world of Hogwarts.
In time, the infinite monkeys on their infinite typewriters would also be sure to translate the series into 26 languages and include a special 25th anniversary edition that includes a foreword by JK Rowling herself in which she acknowledges that Harry Potter is absolute shit in comparison and an appendix which includes an interview with James Cameron about his 17 part movie series adaptation.
It should also be noted that not all of the infinite monkeys will choose to spend their eternity typing on one or many of the infinite typewriters. It is obvious to conclude that a faction of these infinite monkeys will develop special abilities that exactly match those of the 90s animated “X-MEN” television series and will unwittingly perform all 5 seasons of the show through their real actions, along with the bigotry and political maneuvering of the monkeys without special powers and including those episodes where the X-MEN were forced to entertain interstellar beings on a grotesque reality TV series produced by an alien entertainment executive known only as Mojo.
Another safe conclusion given these infinite monkeys is one and only one monkey will live to be exactly 312 years and 312 days old and will give birth to a single snake only to die of heartbreak three days later because the snake was born red and not sky blue.
If one were to dig deeper, they will find that in the infinite possibilities, one of these monkeys will discover a way to cross universes in order to feed the infinite number of monkeys and find resources to repair and maintain the infinite typewriters. They will invade every other universe with an infinite army of monkeys and typewriters, causing destruction and surrender for all in its wake in this quest. At first, the inhabitants of the many universes under attack will not feel threatened. “It’s just a lot of monkeys and typewriters, what’s the big deal?” the inhabitants will say at first, but soon they will find that it not just a lot, but an infinite amount. Enough to suck the life and resources from everything. Casualties mean nothing to infinity, so the inhabitants will quickly discover that the monkeys and typewriters will never cease no matter how hard the inhabitants fight or whatever creative weapons they create or whichever corner of their universe they inhabit to escape, the monkeys and typewriters will still come. All degrees of all planes of existence will be thus occupied by an infinite amount of monkeys and their infinite typewriters. There will be no life or death in this realm. Only monkeys who choose to type or not to type on their typewriter.
Back to the room. One of the monkeys has just completed Love Sonnet 18 though using an old English punctuation and spelling system that was not in employed in Shakespeare’s time. They are getting closer.